I Speak #4

I don´t really know how to start this, I´m not sure if I can explain myself the way I would like you to understand it. So I hope you won´t get this wrong.

I am sick. And who´s fault is this? I truly believe we are all responsible for what we decide to do with our life, we chose. I´ve been through things in my life just like anyone else. So should I blame others?

NO.

Why not? Why shouldn´t I just blame everything that ever happened to everyone around me?

It was my desicion. Mine alone. I chose to binge and purge and starve.

And that´s exactly what makes me such a miserable, depressed and agressive person. My own desicion.  Sometimes I´m so sad that I believe I can´t go on. Sometimes I´m so sad that I can´t even walk or talk. I´m physically so weak that I can´t manage to walk for an hour and not fade.

You see all my problems are self-inflicted. The solution to all my problems is like a movie playing in my head and I just won´t make it real. I watch myself fade away and I have fallen in love with it.

This is a very selfish thing to say, but it´s true.

I feel like if I´d give up on all my unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanisms. I wouldn´t be human anymore. My sickness makes me human. I can´t exist without it.

Sakitnya telinga aku

Demam memang seksa. Dari aku kecik dulu, kalau sekali demam memang teruk habis. Malam kelmarin badan aku dilanda demam lagi. Bila dah hirup segelas air bersama panadol soluble aku ingatkan dah elok. Bangun-bangun je pagi esok tu terus badan panas gila nok mapuh. Tidur balik sampai tengahari then terus kemas barang angkut balik rumah. Nak tumbang je rasa bila angkut beg2 tu masuk kereta. 

Kenkadang terasa bersalah pulak balik rumah bila dah demam ni. Mama risau macam ape entah mengalahkan aku ni macam kena cancer pundi kencing pulak. Beliau paksa aku mandi, paksa aku makan ubat sepertinya ku ini masih kecil lagi. Paksa aku minum air tu aku rase setiap 5 minit kena bebel ngan beliau. 

Semalam ayah dah belikan panadol soluble lagi untuk aku. Lepas minum ubat tu, mama tanya kenapa tak beli Activfast *cemane entah eja. Dah cakap dah takpayah, esok pagi boleh je pegi beli tapi mama paksa jugak adik aku pegi tolong belikan kat 7E. Makan lagi ubat dan terus masuk tidur sebab dah pukul 10 lebih dah. You know what ? Setiap 2 jam mak aku masuk bilik check badan aku panas lagi ke tak. Tak tidur ke ape mak aku ni. Ya itulah pengorbanan ibu. Risau kot anak dia sorang ni sakit. 

Oh Mom, I Love You. I Do I Do.

I Speak #3

If there´s no one you can put your trust to or to believe in, one should at least believes in themselves. Everyone should be able to count on themselves. But what if the person who betrayed you the most, who hurt you the most, and destroyed you, is yourself?