I Speak #4

I don´t really know how to start this, I´m not sure if I can explain myself the way I would like you to understand it. So I hope you won´t get this wrong.

I am sick. And who´s fault is this? I truly believe we are all responsible for what we decide to do with our life, we chose. I´ve been through things in my life just like anyone else. So should I blame others?

NO.

Why not? Why shouldn´t I just blame everything that ever happened to everyone around me?

It was my desicion. Mine alone. I chose to binge and purge and starve.

And that´s exactly what makes me such a miserable, depressed and agressive person. My own desicion.  Sometimes I´m so sad that I believe I can´t go on. Sometimes I´m so sad that I can´t even walk or talk. I´m physically so weak that I can´t manage to walk for an hour and not fade.

You see all my problems are self-inflicted. The solution to all my problems is like a movie playing in my head and I just won´t make it real. I watch myself fade away and I have fallen in love with it.

This is a very selfish thing to say, but it´s true.

I feel like if I´d give up on all my unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanisms. I wouldn´t be human anymore. My sickness makes me human. I can´t exist without it.

Sakitnya telinga aku

Demam memang seksa. Dari aku kecik dulu, kalau sekali demam memang teruk habis. Malam kelmarin badan aku dilanda demam lagi. Bila dah hirup segelas air bersama panadol soluble aku ingatkan dah elok. Bangun-bangun je pagi esok tu terus badan panas gila nok mapuh. Tidur balik sampai tengahari then terus kemas barang angkut balik rumah. Nak tumbang je rasa bila angkut beg2 tu masuk kereta. 

Kenkadang terasa bersalah pulak balik rumah bila dah demam ni. Mama risau macam ape entah mengalahkan aku ni macam kena cancer pundi kencing pulak. Beliau paksa aku mandi, paksa aku makan ubat sepertinya ku ini masih kecil lagi. Paksa aku minum air tu aku rase setiap 5 minit kena bebel ngan beliau. 

Semalam ayah dah belikan panadol soluble lagi untuk aku. Lepas minum ubat tu, mama tanya kenapa tak beli Activfast *cemane entah eja. Dah cakap dah takpayah, esok pagi boleh je pegi beli tapi mama paksa jugak adik aku pegi tolong belikan kat 7E. Makan lagi ubat dan terus masuk tidur sebab dah pukul 10 lebih dah. You know what ? Setiap 2 jam mak aku masuk bilik check badan aku panas lagi ke tak. Tak tidur ke ape mak aku ni. Ya itulah pengorbanan ibu. Risau kot anak dia sorang ni sakit. 

Oh Mom, I Love You. I Do I Do.

I Speak #3

If there´s no one you can put your trust to or to believe in, one should at least believes in themselves. Everyone should be able to count on themselves. But what if the person who betrayed you the most, who hurt you the most, and destroyed you, is yourself?

Ini memang melampau

Tengah sesedap minum Each-A-Cup chocolate petang tadi, tersadung tetiba dekat tengah-tengah jalan otw ke kereta. Dah la ramai orang. Semua pandang siap ade budak perempuan tu gelakkan aku lagi.

Tapi tak kisah lah. Dengan nada suara yang kuat supaya mereka dengar, aku salahkan batu kat tengah-tengah jalan walapun batu tu tak wujud pun kat situ.

“Banyak-banyak tempat kau boleh hidup, dekat depan kaki aku jugak kau nak bernomad !”

Takpe. Diorang takkan anggap aku gila.

Kanthaben

Orang yang jenis bila susah baru nak cari kita

Orang yang jenis bila bosan takde kawan baru nak cari kita

Orang yang jenis bila nak mintak tolong baru nak cari kita

Boleh pergi mati cepat tak ?

What if ?

Everytime I´m happy I can´t stand the feeling, as soon as I realise that I´m feeling good, as soon as I stop worrying about everything, I get scared. I scare myself. It scares me to death to be happy. 

I know this won´t make sense but it´s almost like I started to be so attached to my depression that it feels unnatural for me to be happy. It makes me sick, I feel so guilty when I´m having a good time that I automatically get depressed and sad for no reason at all. Depression is such a vicious circle, there seems to be no end to it. I´m making myself sicker and sicker, when actually I could just be happy, but I won´t allow myself to be happy. 

And the worst thing about it is that being depressed feels more safe to me than being happy. Destroying myself is my normality. It´s a pretty lonely and sad place but it´s mine. My reality.

As long as your scars aren´t visible, 

people assume everything must be 

FINE.

Tengahari tadi

Alhamdulillah

Tanggungjawab untuk bagi tazkirah dalam kuliah Financial Mathematics dah selesai.

Boleh aku pergi sekarang?

I Speak #2

I hate being alone with my thoughts. I just make myself sad. Every single night I keep myself up over the littlest things and allow them to effect me so severely. I need someone to care… at the very least someone to talk to. I wish I could go back and I don’t know… Change things so that I would be happy. Everyone sucks. Everyone gives up on me and the person who I thought I was closest with could care less. I fake a smile and try to help everyone else that comes to me when they’re sad but not one of them is ever there for me. I just want things back to normal.

Rasanya kejap lagi hujan

Hidup. Kadang-kala gembira, kadang-kala seksa. Kadang-kala suka, kadang-kala duka.

Kalau bukan kita yang mencorakkannya, siapa lagi kan ? Macam mana kita nak corakkan ? Mestilah dengan segala macam ragam manusia. Segala sifat, sikap dan telatah manusia yang jadikan hidup kita menarik. Ada warna-warni nya. Kalau depan mata hanya hitam putih tidak berwarna, mungkin kah kita rasa bahagia ? Mungkinkah kita rasa gembira ? Walaupun hitam itu nampak tidak berguna, cuba bayangkan tidur kita tanpa kelam ? Tenangkah kita ? Lena kah kita ?

Allah susun hidup kita dengan teratur. Allah beri kita cahaya. Allah beri kita gelap gelita. Kenapa ? Supaya kita sedar. Setiap kegelapan itu ada sinarnya. Supaya kita masih kuat untuk percaya yang harapan itu masih ada di hujung sana. Dan setiap cahaya itu ada gelapnya. Supaya kita sedar. Hidup tidak boleh terlalu leka. Terlalu alpa dengan nikmat dunia.

Mungkin sekarang kita terasa sepi, terasa hidup dalam dunia sendiri. Apa kita yakin ke yang Allah tidak akan sesekali sediakan hidup yang lebih bermakna bila mana kita tinggalkan dunia ? Ada. Hidup itu ada. Tempat itu ada. Kita kena kejar, kita kena percaya. Hati kita Allah sudah tetapkan. Mungkin tidak terlalu kuat dan mungkin juga tidak terlalu lemah. Supaya kita sedar, dalam setiap dugaan atau ujian itu, kita masih perlukan perhatian Nya. Kita masih perlukan bantuan Nya.

Kita hamba.

Kita khalifah dunia.

Untuk kejar Syurga.

Allah sayangkan kita.

Allah sayang.