What if ?

Everytime I´m happy I can´t stand the feeling, as soon as I realise that I´m feeling good, as soon as I stop worrying about everything, I get scared. I scare myself. It scares me to death to be happy. 

I know this won´t make sense but it´s almost like I started to be so attached to my depression that it feels unnatural for me to be happy. It makes me sick, I feel so guilty when I´m having a good time that I automatically get depressed and sad for no reason at all. Depression is such a vicious circle, there seems to be no end to it. I´m making myself sicker and sicker, when actually I could just be happy, but I won´t allow myself to be happy. 

And the worst thing about it is that being depressed feels more safe to me than being happy. Destroying myself is my normality. It´s a pretty lonely and sad place but it´s mine. My reality.

As long as your scars aren´t visible, 

people assume everything must be 

FINE.