I don´t
really know how to start this, I´m not sure if I can explain myself the way I
would like you to understand it. So I hope you won´t get this wrong.
I am sick.
And who´s fault is this? I truly believe we are all responsible for what we
decide to do with our life, we chose. I´ve been through things in my life just
like anyone else. So should I blame others?
NO.
Why not?
Why shouldn´t I just blame everything that ever happened to everyone around me?
It was my
desicion. Mine alone. I chose to binge and purge and starve.
And that´s
exactly what makes me such a miserable, depressed and agressive person. My own
desicion. Sometimes I´m so sad that I
believe I can´t go on. Sometimes I´m so sad that I can´t even walk or talk. I´m
physically so weak that I can´t manage to walk for an hour and not fade.
You see all
my problems are self-inflicted. The solution to all my problems is like a movie
playing in my head and I just won´t make it real. I watch myself fade away and
I have fallen in love with it.
This is a
very selfish thing to say, but it´s true.
I feel like
if I´d give up on all my unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanisms. I wouldn´t
be human anymore. My sickness makes me human. I can´t exist without it.
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